After the End of Evangelion
by DeusBlack
Summary: Ever wonder what happened AFTER the End of Evangelion? Join Asuka and Shinji, the unlikely postarmageddon duo, as they try [TRY being the key word] to repopulate the planet. NOT, I repeat, NOT meant for people who take the series too seriously!
1. After the End of Evangelion Part 1

After the End of Evangelion by DeusBlack  
  
Writer's Note: Being so dissapointed and depressed by "End of Evangelion", I decided to put a humorous twist on the whole darn thing, and find out what everyone's itchin' to know: What happened AFTER the "End of Evangelion"? Redundant? Yes. Funny? Maybe. Am I a jackass? You decide. This takes place after "End Of Evangelion", if you couldn't already tell. The setting is the desolate and barren wasteland, which is supposed to be the World Reborn. The last two humans alive are Asuka Langley Soryu and Shinji Ikari, and they are meant to be the new Adam and Eve. They are meant to re- create civilization, by, well, y'know...doing the thing. Y'know...THE thing. So this is where our [romantic?] comedy of errors begins. For those of you who haven't seen the series, see it. I'll try to keep the inside jokes to a minimum. Being my first fanfic on this thing, I hope you don't bash it too badly.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, Gainix does. End of story.  
  
P.S. You'll notice I make Shinji stupid. This is simply because I hate Shinji. I find him an annoying, whiney bum who doesn't know how good he has it. He works with several incredibly hot women (okay, one's an enigmatic insensate, so nothing can be done there), and gets to pilot a giant biomechanical robot. He also wasted my time by running away during the first few episodes. To sum it all up, don't hate 'cause I hate Shinji.  
  
I hate you, Shinjiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!  
  
P.P.S. If I make fun of your religion in any way, shape, or form, please know its only in good fun. I'm just poking fun at the blatent religious symbolism in Evangelion, not at the religion itself. But if it does offend you, I apologise in advance. Don't hurt me.  
  
(The camera pans in on two figures sitting on a desolate beach-like landscape, the ocean in front of them is blood red, and strange monoliths are all around them. We now see that the two figures are Asuka and Shinji. Just so ya know, Asuka is wearing her Red Eva suit, and Shinji is in a white dress shirt, slacks, and sneakers. They are sitting on the beach, Asuka looking extremely irked, and Shinji looking confused as anything.)  
  
Part 1- You know when you said you wouldn't sleep with that guy if he was the last one on Earth? Bet you never saw THIS coming...  
  
Shinji: So...  
  
Asuka: No.  
  
Shinji: What do you mean "no"?  
  
Asuka: Just no. It needs no explaination.  
  
Shinji: But I haven't even said anything!  
  
Asuka: Yes you did. You said "so".  
  
Shinji: Yeah, but I didn't say what I was going to say AFTER so.  
  
Asuka: It doesn't matter. Its not important.  
  
Shinji: Well, I think it is.  
  
Asuka: Yeah. You ALSO think that crappy music you listen to is important. You think locking yourself your room and moping about how you have no friends is going to make people like you. Great logic there. Real smart.  
  
Shinji: ...  
  
Asuka: Better.  
  
Shinji: (waits five minutes, then speaks) Sooooooo...  
  
Asuka: What did I just say? Are you thick headed or something?  
  
Shinji: Are YOU thick headed?  
  
Asuka: You just responded to my question with another question.  
  
Shinji: I know. Brilliant ploy, isn't it?  
  
Asuka: ...You ARE an idiot.  
  
Shinji: Wha--but--hey! That's not fair!  
  
Asuka: Well, what a brilliant deduction, Watson! What about this situation do you think is fair? (stands up, yelling now) We're the last two people on Earth, who just so happen to be male and female, and we're surrounded by religious symbolism and a bunch of vibrating beds!  
  
(camera pans out to see many heart shaped beds with coin depositers on them that say "25 cents", and several crosses, and pictures of Jesus.)  
  
Shinji: Where did THOSE come from?  
  
Asuka: Damned if I know.  
  
Shinji: And why the hell is that cheesy porno music playing? (cheesy porno music is playing in background)  
  
Asuka: Oh, I must have left the radio on the Motown station. (pulls out radio, and turns it off)  
  
Shinji: WHY is there still a radio station working if everything is destroyed?  
  
Asuka: I dunno. For some reason, its the only thing that comes in.  
  
God: (laughs evily)  
  
(Shinji and Asuka sit down)  
  
Shinji: Man, I'm hungry. (looks over by blood red water) Do you think this is cranberry juice?  
  
Asuka: Yes, and the skies are made of blueberries, Shinji! Ooh, and those nuclear reactor cores that glow green? They're a strange blend of kiwis and avocados!  
  
Shinji: YUM! I'm gonna go find me some reactor core! (begins to run off)  
  
Asuka: HEY! (rans off after him) Stupid fool, I was joking!  
  
Shinji: (stops) Aw.  
  
Asuka: (looks down and rubs left arm) Shinji...you know what we have to do...right?  
  
Shinji: Well, if I have it down right, humanity is gone...which means...  
  
Asuka: Yeah...  
  
Shinji: THEY'RE HIDING UNDERGROUND!  
  
Asuka: ...What did you just say?  
  
Shinji: Yeah! 'Cause the surface has been taken over by evil robots bent on destroying mankind, and its up to a few renegade humans to stop it. And they have this city, right? Its near the Earth's CORE, and that's how they get energy, 'cause they messed up the sky trying to kill the evil robots...  
  
Asuka: I'd kill you if our race didn't depend on us.  
  
Shinji: (still rambling) ...and there's this guy, right? And he's called "The One", and he can do all this shit that no one else trapped in this evil computer program can. And it turns out that this evil program simulation thing is what's keeping all the human people captive...OHMYGOD, ASUKA! We have to destroy the Matrix!  
  
Asuka: (makes like she's going to strangle Shinji, but instead, throws him into the blood red water. Then continues walking.)  
  
Shinji: What was that for? I figured it out! (sips water) This doesn't taste like cranberry juice...(runs after Asuka)  
  
Asuka: Glad to see your body isn't as lame as your mind.  
  
Shinji: Are you saying I'm stupid?  
  
Asuka: That's kinda what I've BEEN saying for...oh...what...the past 15 or so minutes, so I dunno...it MIGHT be...  
  
Shinji: Well, how good of a chance is it that you are saying I'm stupid?  
  
Asuka: Oh, I'd say a good 100 percent.  
  
Shinji: Hmmm, I dunno... If it was 101 percent, I'd know for SURE...drat...  
  
Asuka: (clutches head and screams) HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO DENSE?! HOW?!  
  
Shinji: Do you mean stupid dense or "mass over volume" dense?  
  
Asuka: Shut up. Please. Please shut up. I'm slowing losing brain cells.  
  
Shinji: You can COUNT those?!  
  
Asuka: (gives Shinji the evil eye, says angrily) I told you...  
  
Shinji: Shutting up.  
  
Asuka: (sighs and sits down, head in her hands)  
  
Shinji: (sits down next to Asuka, and since he is not insensitive, places a hand on her sholder) What's wrong?  
  
Asuka: What's wrong? (looks at Shinji intensely) I'll tell you what's wrong. We're the only two people alive, and now these stupid beds won't shut up. (The heart shaped beds from before are now saying the word "Sex" over and over again)  
  
Shinji: Why are they saying that? (Shinji walks off towards the beds, out of our view)  
  
Asuka: (sighs, and crosses arms, resting her chin on them. A jolting sound is heard, and  
  
Shinji comes back. The beds have stopped.) Huh? How?  
  
Shinji: Oh, I unplugged them. (holds up cord)  
  
Asuka: HOW is there electricity if everything is destroyed? Furthermore, where the hell did an outlet come from?  
  
God: (laughs evily again)  
  
Shinji: Oh, EVERYTHING is destroyed?  
  
Asuka: Yes, Shinji. Everything.  
  
Shinji: Then I know what we're here for!  
  
Asuka: (excited) YOU DO?  
  
Shinji: WE HAVE TO BUILD HOUSES!  
  
Asuka: ...Ohhhhh, I'll KILL you.  
  
Shinji: THAT way, everyone will come back!  
  
Asuka: Come back from where, Shinji? Invisible Land, the place where no one can be seen?  
  
Shinji: THERE'S A PLACE LIKE THAT?! Cooooooooool!  
  
Asuka: Oh, that hurts, Shinji. Like a razor blade to the brain. You're cutting it to pieces.  
  
Shinji: Er...well...sorry.  
  
Asuka: You BETTER be.  
  
(several minutes pass in silence)  
  
Shinji: Soooo...when are we gonna start building houses?  
  
Asuka: We're not building houses. That won't bring civilization back.  
  
Shinji: Yeah, you're probably right...(looks back and forth) I'm gonna go play with that poster of Jesus.  
  
Asuka: Say WHAT? (Shinji has run off and over to a lage monolith sticking out of the ground, that has a poster of Jesus hanging on it.)  
  
Shinji: Yo Jesus.  
  
Jesus Poster: Yo.  
  
Shinji: (doesn't look stupefied in the least, even though a poster of Jesus Christ is talking to him) I've never had a conversation with a poster before. Or Jesus. Or a poster of Jesus.  
  
Jesus Poster: There's a first time for everything.  
  
Shinji: So...how's it been hangin'?  
  
Jesus Poster: ...  
  
Shinji: No pun intended, I swear.  
  
Jesus Poster: Its been okay. I really don't know why I'm stuck here on this wall, but, y'know, whatever.  
  
Shinji: Yeah, I don't know why I'm here either. I've been trying to figure it out, but Asuka just yells at me, so maybe I'll stop.  
  
Jesus Poster: Man, don't stop, no matter what anyone tells you! I mean, look at me! I didn't stop preaching and here I am!  
  
Shinji: But...you were crucified.  
  
Jesus Poster: The word is "marytr", dude. Get with the New Age picture. Don't be a square, n'shit.  
  
Shinji: So...what IS the meaning of life?  
  
Jesus Poster: The meaning of life is--(Jesus Poster combusts, and ashes float away)  
  
Shinji: Dammit.  
  
(Shinji walks back to Asuka, who is drawing things in the sand)  
  
Asuka: So, you have a nice time talking to the son of God? Or a poster of the son of God?  
  
Shinji: It was okay, but he had to leave early...are you sure this isn't some really bad acid trip?  
  
Asuka: No, if it was, I'd be trying to eat the maggots that would be crawling on your flesh.  
  
Shinji: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! MAGGOTS! (leaps and starts running around) WHERE?! WHERE?! GET 'EM OFF, GET 'EM OFF!  
  
Asuka: (sticks foot out and trips Shinji)  
  
Shinji: (Falls on his bum) Ow. I'm still hungry. What are we gonna do for food?  
  
Asuka: I dunno. We better find something.  
  
Shinji: Do you think the underground people will have food?  
  
Asuka: There are NO underground people. How many times do I have to tell you?  
  
Shinji: I dunno. LET'S KEEP TRACK!  
  
Asuka: No.  
  
Shinji: Okay. "Beware of Falling Toasters"  
  
Asuka: What nonsense are you talking about now?  
  
Shinji: (Shinji points to a sign that says "Beware of Falling Toasters)  
  
Asuka: What the devil? (a metallic Toaster falls from the sky and lands next to Asuka)  
  
Shinji: You're SURE this isn't an acid trip?  
  
Asuka: I'm SURE.  
  
Shinji: You're SU--  
  
Asuka: I'M SURE!  
  
Shinji: Ooooooooooookay. Its just when I see falling toasters...  
  
Asuka: I get the point.  
  
Shinji: Right-o.  
  
Asuka: I say we go to the valley to the right.  
  
Shinji: Why's that?  
  
Asuka: Its called the Valley of Food. (points to a sign that says "Valley of Food")  
  
Shinji: WAIT! It might be dangerous!  
  
Asuka: Why do you think that?  
  
Shinji: Food spelled backwards is Doof!  
  
Asuka: ...And that means danger?  
  
Shinji: It ALMOST spells DOOM! (dramatic music plays)  
  
Asuka: (looks at Shinji and shakes her head)  
  
Shinji: ALMOST ALMOST ALMOST ALMOST... (keeps repeating the word almost. The beds now start saying "almost" along with him)  
  
Asuka: (grabs Shinji by the scruff of his shirt and drags him along.)  
  
Shinji: Hey, look, another Jesus Poster!  
  
Jesus Poster #2: Yo.  
  
Shinji: What's up, J-dawg?  
  
Asuka: Pay no attention to my companion. He's mentally challenged.  
  
Jesus Poster #2: You mean he's stupid?  
  
Asuka: Yeah, but I made it sound nice.  
  
Jesus Poster #2: Ah.  
  
Shinji: Hey, Jesus! What's the meaning of life?  
  
Jesus Poster #2: The meaning of life is--(Poster explodes)  
  
Shinji: Crap.  
  
Asuka: Lovely. Right when I was about to ask him if it was safe or not. Perfect. Nice job, Shinji.  
  
Shinji: Thanks! I couldn't have done it without my mom, and my dad, and the studio. I just love you guys so much.  
  
Asuka: What?  
  
Shinji: Oh...I'm not getting an award?  
  
Asuka: Actually, Shinji, you are. Its the dumbass award! Itsn't that great? Would you like to say a few words to your adoring fans?  
  
Shinji: (picks up a toaster, holding it like a trophy) Well, I'd like to say....heyyyyyy...you're being sarcastic, aren't you?  
  
Asuka: You got me there. Caught me. I don't know HOW you could have done it.  
  
(They continue walking on, in the Valley of Food, and they have still not found anything. Shinji is prancing around, looking for more Jesus Posters and throwing toasters up into the air. Asuka is looking very angry and depressed. I mean, why wouldn't she be? She's trapped here, and its getting weird. I think I'll sleep on it, and come back later.)  
  
Shinji: This is great! We've been walking around forever, and I haven't seen a single reactor core. All I see are these weird circle-y things with holes in them.  
  
Asuka: Those are bagels.  
  
Shinji: Bah...hage...gals? What are these bah-hage-gals you speak of?  
  
Asuka: They're basically bread. In a circle. With stuff on 'em. And they're Jewish.  
  
Shinji: Ewww, I'm not eating them.  
  
Asuka: Why not?  
  
Shinji: Because...uh..umm...(frantically looks for "good" reason not to eat bagel) Because they're Jewish.  
  
Asuka: Are you some kinda anti-semite?  
  
Shinji: What's an anti-sea mite? Is that like the arch enemy of the rare and beautiful sea mite? Because if it is, then I don't think I'm a sea mite.  
  
Asuka: NO! Anti-Semite!  
  
Shinji: Anti-semen?  
  
Asuka: Anti-SEMITE!!  
  
Shinji: Auntie Seamstress?  
  
Asuka: I give up.  
  
Shinji: If you're throwing in the towel, give it to me. I could use it.  
  
Asuka: I don't have a freaking towel, Shinji.  
  
Shinji: Aw...HEY! Another Jesus Poster!  
  
Asuka: Huh? Where?  
  
Jesus Poster #3: (nailed to nearby wall of debris) Yo, my childs. What be poppin'?  
  
Shinji: Sup, J-unit.  
  
Asuka: "J-unit"?  
  
Shinji: You're not down with it, Asuka. Let the homies talk, okay?  
  
Asuka: Ohh, I'll get you later. (walks off, looking for food)  
  
Shinji: So...Jesus...been nailed recently?  
  
Jesus Poster #3: ...  
  
Shinji: No pun intended, I swear.  
  
Jesus Poster #3: Yeah, that's what you said to number 1. Don't you stab me in the back now. I'll shank you, I swear. (Jesus Poster #3 pulls out shank. It is made out of a piece of the cross, and a rusty nail.)  
  
Shinji: I wasn't trying to backstab you, J-dawg!  
  
Jesus Poster #3: Watch out. This thing hurts. BELIEVE ME, I know.  
  
Shinji: Okay, I get it. But, y'know, my ho wants to know something.  
  
Asuka: (screams) What did you call me?  
  
Shinji: Nothing!  
  
Asuka: I'm coming down there!  
  
Shinji: Crap. Oh, Funkmaster J, I've got to ask you one question!  
  
Jesus Poster #3: What's that?  
  
Shinji: What's the meaning of life?  
  
Asuka: (in slo-mo) NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Jesus Poster #3: Well, the meaning of life is--(ground opens up and swallows Jesus Poster #3)  
  
Shinji: WHY DOES THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN?!  
  
God: (chuckles manically)  
  
Asuka: Oooh, I'll KILL you. Just you wait. After we're done here, you're dead.  
  
Shinji: What did I do? I JUST wanted to know the meaning of life...jeez...its like I was asking the IMPOSSIBLE or something...  
  
(They continue on until they exit the valley. Asuka has collected an abundance of food, while Shinji is still throwing toasters around and complaining about stuff)  
  
Shinji: ...And that's why Jewish people are so evil.  
  
Asuka: You just rambled on for a good twenty minutes about how bad Hitler was, how cool Isreali people are, and how much your athlete's foot is bothering you.  
  
Shinji: Yeah...and that's why Jewish people are so evil. They MADE me do that!  
  
Asuka: Oh. Hmm. I see. Did the devil make you sell your soul too?  
  
Shinji: I did that along time ago!  
  
Asuka: What did you sell it for?  
  
Shinji: You GET something from selling your soul?!  
  
Asuka: You ARE an idiot.  
  
Shinji: You're only saying that 'cause...'cause you...you have...urg...urg...gff...(collapses, foaming at the mouth)  
  
Asuka: Aw, poor thing overloaded his small brain. (Bends over Shinji) You okay?  
  
Shinji: I think so. But we won't be in a second. (Stands up)  
  
Asuka: Why not? (Turns around, sees giant chicken) Holy...  
  
Shinji: That's FOWL, yo.  
  
Asuka: ...  
  
Giant Chicken: ...  
  
Shinji: No pun intended, I SWEAR.  
  
Asuka: Where the hell did a giant chicken come from?!  
  
Giant Chicken: Oh, its quite simple really.  
  
Asuka: Furthermore, how can a giant chicken speak?  
  
Giant Chicken: Well, they didn't kill all animals, heaven's no. Only the humans.  
  
Asuka: But how can you talk?  
  
Giant Chicken: Oh, that? I have a cold.  
  
Asuka: A cold makes chickens talk?  
  
Giant Chicken: Buck ba-CAW!  
  
Shinji: (whipsers to Asuka) He says he's gotten better.  
  
Asuka: Thank you, Shinji, for sharing that tidbit of information.  
  
Giant Chicken: (takes a couple of steps foward, gets crushed by giant falling toaster)  
  
Shinji: ...You're STILL sure this isn't an acid tri--  
  
Asuka: YES!  
  
Shinji: Oooooookay...you're the boss.  
  
Asuka: I have a NAME.  
  
Shinji: You DO?! That's so cool! I have a name too! Wow, what a coincidence!  
  
Asuka: Are you being sarcastic?  
  
Shinji: What's scartastic?  
  
Asuka: Sarca...nevermind.  
  
Shinji: SARS Caster? (Asuka begins walking again) Semantics?  
  
Asuka: Let me get this straight...you've been battling giant creatures with me, and sleeping no more than one room away from me. You've been yelled at by me, witnessed the end of the WORLD with me, and now have to recreate the human race with me and you don't even know my name?!  
  
Shinji: Oh...uh...of course I know...its...uh...um...Larry?  
  
Asuka: Do I look like a guy to you?  
  
Shinji: (says slyly, making grabbing motions with his hands) I dunno, you think I can check?  
  
Asuka: Ugh, please...  
  
Shinji: OKAY!  
  
Asuka: AHH! NO, I MEANT THE "GIVE ME A BREAK" PLEASE!  
  
Shinji: Aw. (hands are still making grabbing motions, Shinji looks back and forth, then grabs nearby statue of the Virgin Mary) Ahhh, better.  
  
Jesus Poster #4: YO, BITCH! THAT'S MY MAMA YO GRABBIN'!  
  
Shinji: (turns around) Oh no.  
  
Jesus Poster #4: I'M GONNA KILL YOU NOW! (takes out Cross Shank and begins floating on air towards Shinji)  
  
Shinji: AHHHH, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?!  
  
Jesus Poster #4: THE MEANING OF LIFE IS--(Jesus Poster is swept up in a tornado and is torn apart)  
  
Shinji: Disaster averted! (Statue of Virgin Mary slaps Shinji, walks off) Ow. Damn religious symbolism.  
  
Asuka: What are you doing grabbing the Virgin Mary?  
  
Shinji: Why, you JEALOUS?  
  
Asuka: ...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!  
  
Shinji: What are you laughing at?  
  
Asuka: Ahh, nothing, Shinji. ABSOLUTELY nothing.  
  
Shinji: (flustered) That...that's what I thought. Yeah. That's right. I'm the man. Uh-huh.  
  
Asuka: You still don't know my name.  
  
Shinji: Uh..um...its...uh...gimme a clue.  
  
Asuka: A clue?  
  
Shinji: Yeah, to help me remember.  
  
Asuka: Remember. Right. Okay. It starts with "A".  
  
Shinji: Aaaaaaaaasausage.  
  
Asuka: You honestly think my mother would have named me "Asausage"? Okay, given she was insane and always talked about the pink bunny rabbits trying to kill her, she wasn't that batty.  
  
Shinji: I BELIEVE that's an understatement.  
  
Asuka: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!  
  
Giant Rooster: Actually, it is. BU-CAW! (Giant Rooster commits ritual suicide, Shinji and Asuka look at each other in silence, then continue)  
  
Asuka: My name is Asuka, Shinji. Don't forget it.  
  
Shinji: A saki?  
  
Asuka: Oh good lord.  
  
Shinji: Ass-ook-ahh. Okay, I got it.  
  
Asuka: Did you have to stress the "ass" part?  
  
Shinji: (looks over) Yeah, 'cause its nice.  
  
Asuka: Yes, I kno...heyyyyyy, I never gave you permission to check out my exquisite features!  
  
Shinji: Its kinda hard NOT to see them with that skin tight suit on...*coughcough*whore*coughcough*  
  
Asuka: WHAT did you call me?  
  
Shinji: (whispers) I called you...(screams) WHORE!  
  
Asuka: (fists Shinji in the face, sending him into the red water again)  
  
Shinji: Scream THEN whipser, Shinji! (Asuka beings to walk off, obviously irked) Hey, wait up Asscrack! Um, Assooki? Assookcaca? (Asuka throws a brick) Aw, shit. I think I should move out of the way.  
  
Shinji's Brain: You sure? Its a gamble. And moving is SUCH a tiring affair.  
  
Shinji: You're absolutely right. I should just stay put and let the brick hit me! What would I do without yo--(gets hit in the face with brick)  
  
Shinji's Brain: Ahahaha...what an idiot. I'm in great pain.  
  
Asuka: Stupid Shinji and his stupid self...I wish he'd drop dead. There's no way I'm sleeping with HIM, even if its to save the human race. Pfft.  
  
Jesus Poster #5: Yo, my child.  
  
Asuka: Hey Jesus.  
  
Jesus Poster #5: Wassap?  
  
Asuka: Well, Jesus, there's this guy, and I have to sleep with him to save the human race. I really don't like him, and he's kinda stupid. What should I do?  
  
Jesus Poster #5: ...Um...uhh...GOTTAGOBYE! (Jesus Poster #5 crumples itself up, and burns)  
  
Asuka: YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS WHY I'M AN ATHEIST! (Shinji is still screwing up Asuka's name)  
  
Asuka: Okay, if he can get my name right, I'll go back to him.  
  
MANY HOURS LATER  
  
Shinji: Assmonkey! Uhrm...Assoup! Uh...um...  
  
Shinji's Brain: OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, ITS ASUKA!  
  
Shinji: Oh! Why didn't you say so?  
  
Shinji's Brain: I was telling you ALL this time, but you HAD to be focusing on the word ASS. Do you know what happens when you say that word?  
  
Shinji: Uhhhh...ooh, I know! I feel good in my pants!  
  
Shinji's Brain: ...She was RIGHT, you ARE an idiot.  
  
Shinji: Its YOUR fault! You're my brain!  
  
Shinji's Brain: Excuses, excuses! I'm gonna go watch "South Park"  
  
Shinji: HEY, WAIT! DON'T GO! I WANNA BE SMART! I WANNA BE---Hehehehehe, not fat...just big boned...hehehe...  
  
Asuka: (moping) Stupid Shinji.  
  
Shinji: Okay, I've got it now! I swear!  
  
Asuka: (to self) Yeah right, probably say Assface or something. Just watch. If he gets it, I'll kiss him.  
  
Shinji: Come back Asuka, I miss youuuuuuuu!  
  
Asuka: Oh so NOW he gets it. (Asuka comes down to Shinji)  
  
Shinji: Hey there!  
  
Asuka: Now, for the last time, what's my name?  
  
Shinji: Uhh...Asuka.  
  
Asuka: (pulls him closer to her) Again.  
  
Shinji: (sweating) Asuka.  
  
Asuka: (pulls him very close, and wraps arms around him) One more time.  
  
Shinji: (sweating profusely) Uh...um...er...uah...As...uk...a...grrk! (begins convusling at the mouth and seizing violently on the floor)  
  
Asuka: TOLD you I'd get you back.  
  
Shinji: (still seizing and foaming at mouth) D...damn...t...tease...vrrrrrrrrr...!  
  
Our heros seem to be getting nowhere fast in this strange new world. What will happen next episode? Will Asuka ever get through Shinji's thick skull? Will Shinji ever reclaim his brain from the evils of Prime Time Television? Will the Giant Chicken ever return? Will Jesus stop using ebonics? WILL YOU KEEP READING?  
  
Find out next time! 


	2. After the End of Evangelion Part 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Shinji, Asuka, Gendo, Rei, or any other Evangelion characters, Gainix does. No infringement is intended...blah blah blah, insert more legal crap here. Jesus and other religious affliliates are copyright The Beginning of Time.  
  
Writer's Note: Hello, and welcome to another exciting chapter! I thought I'd just say "Hi" and "Thanks" to all my readers who enjoyed the previous installment! For my first time writing on this thing, I'd say its not going too shabby. Considering this fan fic is about 90% random humor, and 10% Evangelion.  
  
Okay, that's all I wanted to say. I don't wanna deprive people from another nicotine-laced chapter...I mean...nothing...*Ahem*  
  
Now, on with the show!  
  
Part 2- Attempting to Knock on Heaven's Back Door...yeah, I've got connections there. I don't think Buddha can help you there, honey. Beware of Strange Japanese Water Men Who's Heads Explode.  
  
(The sun rises on a brand new day in the World Reborn. If you ask me, it looks like crap. Asuka is bathing in the cranberry juice...or whatever...far, far away from where Shinji is. Shinji is writing stuff in the sand with a stick. He stops, stands back, and smiles.)  
  
Shinji: I have just rewritten the history of the world in the sand right here. Look at it. Now we'll never forget it! I'm a genius. (looks back and forth, then replaces all the famous people's names with his own.) Hahaha, no one will be the wiser! I'ma show Asuka. HEY ASUKAAAAAA! (begins running to her location)  
  
Asuka: Ahh! Don't come yet, I'm not decent!  
  
Shinji: Silly Asuka, you can't go down here!  
  
Asuka: Not descent! Decent!  
  
Shinji: Dessert?  
  
Asuka: I'M NOT DRESSED YET!  
  
Shinji: Oh. (Looks around, runs faster)  
  
Asuka: Crap. (quickly grabs suit, and puts it on)  
  
Shinji: Aw. Not quick enough. Come see what I did!  
  
Asuka: Did you kill another Jesus Poster? Did you violate the Virgin Mary again?  
  
Shinji: LOOK!  
  
Asuka: (reading aloud) "...and so this bad man named..." You crossed out "Hitler" and put in "Shinji"  
  
Shinji: Yeah, I was pretty bad back then.  
  
Asuka: Really? Well, apparently the US President named Shinji and the British Prime Minister, ALSO named Shinji stopped the evil ruler of Germany, who was coincidentally named Shinji.  
  
Shinji: Yeah, those were the good old days.  
  
Asuka: I see one little flaw in your plan to rewrite history...  
  
Shinji: You mean tell history like it is!  
  
Asuka: No.  
  
Shinji: Darn. What flaw?  
  
Asuka: (points to large wave)  
  
Shinji: Pfft, what's a wave gonna do to history? (Wave crashes over him and stuff written in the sand. "History" washes away.) Crap.  
  
Asuka: ...And there's the flaw.  
  
Shinji: Yeah...well...well...I have bigger boobs than you! (runs away crying)  
  
Asuka: (dumbfounded)...Don't say anything, Asuka. Just don't.  
  
Shinji: (runs along and bumps into a large statue of Buddha) Oh. HEY! Its SANTA!  
  
Buddha: Its Buddha.  
  
Shinji: Okay, Santa! (sits on his lap)  
  
Buddha: Please don't sit there.  
  
Shinji: Aren't you gonna ask me what I want for Christmas?  
  
Buddha: I'm not Santa Claus. I'm Gautama Buddha, and I teach the Eightfold Path to Enlightenment.  
  
Shinji: The Hateful Pants to a light refreshment?  
  
Buddha: ...You are beyond help, young one.  
  
Shinji: Ask me what I want for Christmas, Santa!  
  
Buddha: I refuse!  
  
Shinji: I'll cry if you don't!  
  
Buddha: No!  
  
Shinji: (cries) Wahhhhh, mommmmmmyyyyyyy! Santa's touching me in strange places!  
  
Buddha: OKAY OKAY!  
  
Shinji: Better. Now say it.  
  
Buddha: (sighs) What...do you want for...uh...  
  
Shinji: SAY IT.  
  
Buddha: Christ...Christmas.  
  
Shinji: I wanna train aaaaaaannnnnnnnd a carrrrrrrrr annnnnnnnd a G.I. Joooooooe...  
  
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER...  
  
Shinji: ...aaaaaaaaaand lotsa moneyyyyyy annnnnnnnnnnd a baseball baaaaaaaaaat--  
  
Buddha: Alright, that's it.  
  
Shinji: (cries) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Buddha: (pulls out bacon sandwich, laden with butter, and many other high cholesterol condiments) May the heaven's have mercy on me in my next life. (Eats sandwich. Buddha dies of a heart attack)  
  
Shinji: Mommy...Santa's not moving anymore...  
  
Asuka: You have nothing better to do with your time than kill religious figures?  
  
Shinji: I didn't kill Santa! Did...did I?  
  
Asuka: Let's keep walking.  
  
Shinji: That's all we do. Walk. Walk walk walk. What are we supposed to be doing, really? Where is everyone? Why can't I have it my way at Burger King anymore?  
  
Asuka: I TOLD you, we're supposed to recreate civilization.  
  
Shinji: And what do we do to accomplish this?  
  
Asuka: Well...y'know...we have to...erm...  
  
Shinji: Yes?  
  
Asuka: Sleep...together...*cough cough* Yeah.  
  
Shinji: Oh, that's EASY! Why didn't you say so before? Let's do it right here!  
  
Asuka: Do it...right...here?  
  
Shinji: Yeah! I like the sand under me anyway!  
  
Asuka: Sand...under...you? You're actually listening to me?  
  
Shinji: Huh? What did you say?  
  
Asuka: (thinks, and sighs) Okay, let's do this.  
  
Shinji: Okay! (Shinji lays down, and starts snoring)  
  
Asuka: ...What are you doing?  
  
Shinji: You SAID sleep together, so start sleepin'!  
  
Asuka: ...You are REALLY dense. (begins walking off)  
  
Shinji: Hey, you don't know that! You don't even know my mass OR my volume, so you couldn't know! HAH! I showed you! ...Hey, wait up! (runs after her)  
  
Asuka: There are giant talking chickens around...heck...maybe someone can make you smart around here...(sees sign that says "Houze of SmART Pooples" and an arrow pointing to a small shack) It'll have to do.  
  
(Asuka and Shinji enter the shack. The Writer, a couple of his friends, and George W. Bush are sitting around a table talking. The Writer is doing The Robot for some odd reason, and his friends are all gobbling like turkeys. George W. Bush is rewriting the Constitution of America using a purple crayon. On the back, it has a badly drawn picture of a house, and several stick figure people. An arrow is pointing to the house that says "Mi HOUZE".)  
  
Dubuya: Do ya like it? I like it. There's Dicky boy there, see? (He points to the stick figure that looks like its having a heart attack)  
  
Asuka: (slowly begins to back out of the house. Whispers to Shinji) Run, while you still can.  
  
Shinji: But I wanna draw too--  
  
Asuka: RUN! (They run, and the house behind them blows up)  
  
Shinji: Aw, poor guys. I liked that picture guy. He was stupid. You're still sure this isn't an acid tri--  
  
Asuka: YES!  
  
(Quickly cuts to water droplets, then cuts back)  
  
Asuka: What the hell?  
  
(Cuts to water droplets)  
  
Shinji: This is strange.  
  
(Water droplets)  
  
Asuka: Hey, check out that old man over there.  
  
(They walk over to an old Japanese man with bloodshot eyes. He has a water dropper in his hand, and is standing over a kiddie pool. He is dropping little droplets into the water.)  
  
Shinji: Hello guy!  
  
Japanese Guy: WATER!! (squints eyes, and drops a little droplet into the water.)  
  
Asuka: So THIS is where that water droplet shot comes from?  
  
Shinji: Apparently so! (Eyes kiddie pool) Must...jump...in...  
  
Japanese Guy: NO!! WATER MINE!!  
  
Shinji: Aw, don't be such a water hog.  
  
Japanese Guy: (begins screaming wildly in Japanese)  
  
Shinji: What, I can jump right in? Really? You won't stop me? COOL!  
  
Asuka: Shinji, I don't think he's saying--(Shinji jumps into the kiddie pool)--that.  
  
Japanese Guy: AHHHHHH-YAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (Shinji jumps out of pool, Japanese guy's head explodes)  
  
Asuka: Holy...  
  
Shinji: Well...that was...fun...  
  
Asuka: THIS is your definition of fun?  
  
Shinji: So, what's YOUR definition? Is it one not legal in 51 states? Don't lie to me, I've seen your hentai stash!  
  
Asuka: That's YOUR hentai stash.  
  
Shinji: (about to say something, then shuts up) Touche.  
  
Asuka: Gimme a bikini and a massuse and I'm good.  
  
Shinji: WELL, that suit is skimpy enough, and people tell me I'm mighty good at shiatsu.  
  
Asuka: Who says that?  
  
Shinji: Rei told me!  
  
Asuka: HAH! That robot!  
  
Giant Rei Head: Who you calling a robot?!  
  
Asuka: AHH! (turns around to see the giant bleeding Rei head on the water/cranberry juice/whatever)  
  
Shinji: So you've been making all this cranberry juice, Rei? It needs a little work, I must say...  
  
Giant Rei Head: What the hell are you two doing? You're supposed to be in the middle of sweet sweet love making!  
  
Asuka: ME? With this idiot?  
  
Shinji: What's Louvre making? Are we gonna build that famous museum in France? Rei, tell Asuka that I do good Shiatsu!  
  
Giant Rei Head: He DOES do good shiatsu.  
  
Asuka: How do YOU know?  
  
Giant Rei Head: Well, we DID lay on each other butt naked a couple of times, so you don't think NOTHING happened.  
  
Asuka: Naked?!  
  
Shinji: (sings) Asukaaaaaaaa's jeallllllous! Asukaaaaaaaaaa's---(gets brick to the face) I hate you, brick.  
  
Giant Rei Head: Look, go to the north if you really can't stand him being stupid. You'll find something there, I dunno what. The Writer told me to lead you guys there.  
  
Asuka: Oh, you poor thing. You're nothing but a plot device.  
  
Giant Rei Head: Yeahhhhh. Oh well, I'm cool with it.  
  
Asuka: Well, I'll do that then.  
  
Giant Rei Head: You two better have beautiful babies, or else!  
  
Shinji: Rei, you're talking the crazy talk. I wish I could talk the crazy talk, and walk the crazy walk. I also wish I had bountiful boobies. I'm so flat chested. How come Asuka gets the big--  
  
Asuka: Why are you always going on about that?! (Sighs) Let's go, you. (drags him off)  
  
Shinji: (to Rei head) I'll always love you, albino clone of mommy!  
  
(So off they went towards the north. Brr, north. I'll sleep on it again.)  
  
Asuka: Are you SURE this is North?  
  
Shinji: Of course I'm sure! Its not like I just pointed my finger in some random direction and started walking...(thinks)...Oh...wait a sec...  
  
Asuka: (face palms) We're SO going to die. I don't know why I let you lead anyway.  
  
Shinji: HEY LOOK! ITS DADDY!  
  
Asuka: Yes, yes, Shinji. There's your mommy too...  
  
Shinji: No, seriously Asuka. Its DADDY! (points to Gendo, who is in black coat and sitting in his usual "elbows-on-desk-so-you-can't-see-his-mouth" fashion.)  
  
Asuka: What the devil?  
  
Shinji: Daddy! Hi! (Gendo does nothing.) Dad?  
  
Asuka: Commander Ikari, what blazes are you doing here? How the heck are you even ALIVE? (Gendo still does not respond)  
  
Shinji: (Gets on top of Gendo) Wee! Piggy back ride, daddy!  
  
Asuka: Something is...not right...(Asuka prods Gendo, who still does not show any expression, or move at all)  
  
Shinji: Asuka, you shouldn't touch daddy THERE...that's for mommy only.  
  
Asuka: SHUT UP! I'm not! (Pushes Gendo, who falls to the ground with a metallic clang)  
  
Shinji: (Was still on Gendo when Asuka pushed him) Ow. Could you have waited til' daddy finished the piggy back ride?  
  
Asuka: Shinji, this is not your dad. This is a Gendo body double robot...thing. Look, there's a microphone. (points to mic that is sticking out from Gendo Bots back)  
  
Shinji: Oh...so THAT'S how he was able to remain motionless for long periods of time!  
  
Asuka: It all makes SENSE now!  
  
(The Writer pops in, gives the thumbs up sign, and holds out a cue card that says "Dear Studio That Produced Evangelion, I have now created a new reason why you showed the same panel for long stretches of time. This is to prevent people from complaining about the budget cuts that affected your anime greatly, as they will all see it was all part of your master plan. Let us not forget the 15 minute long Kaoru-death sequence. I believe a 5,000 dollar payoff will be sufficient. I take cash only, and I prefer consecutively numbered bills. Please send to the addressed stated in my blackmail...I mean...request letter. Thanks, The Writer.)  
  
(Asuka and Shinji look at each other)  
  
Asuka: That was a low blow.  
  
Shinji: Indeed. (Shinji looks back and forth, then prys of Gendo bots head off and puts it on, starts talking all ghostly like) Asukaaaaaaaaaa, loooooook! I'm Commander Ikariiiiiiiiiii, ooooooooooooooooooooh! I'm gonna sit in one pose for a long tiiiiiiiiiime and sleep with all my female co- workerrrrrrrrrssssssss!  
  
Asuka: ...You have a messed up family.  
  
Shinji: Look who's talking, schizo offspring.  
  
Asuka: (whacks Shinji with rest of Gendo body)  
  
Shinji: (flies backward and slams into another large monolith) Ow. Thank god for my Keitaro-esque invinciblity!  
  
(The Writer shoots himself for using a reference to Love Hina.)  
  
Jesus Poster #6: Hey man, I was sleeping.  
  
Shinji: (looks up) Oh, hey Jesus! Sorry 'bout that. Soooo...  
  
Jesus Poster #6: Don't pull no pun crap on me.  
  
Shinji: Damn. Anyway, guess what? I killed Santa! Aren't you proud of me?  
  
Jesus Poster #6: ...Hurry up and ask me what the meaning of life is so I can die.  
  
Asuka: Oooohhh no. Not this time. (Covers Shinji's mouth) Okay, which way is north, and secondly, why are we going north?  
  
Jesus Poster #6: Well, north is that way (motions), and you're probably going North to visit the Great Seer.  
  
Asuka: Great Seer?  
  
Jesus Poster #6: Yeah. You know those giant animals you've probably come across? That's his fault.  
  
Asuka: Ah.  
  
Jesus Poster #6: Beware, there are dangers ahead! You must travel through the treacherous Canyon of l337, and then get past the gauntlet of Vibrating Beds!  
  
Asuka: You've gotta be freakin' kidding me.  
  
Jesus Poster #6: Sorry, that's what it says in the script right here.  
  
(The Writer installs more locks on his door, loads shotgun)  
  
Shinji: (mouth still being covered) Whaf isht da meeenink oof loife?  
  
Jesus Poster #6: The meaning of life is--(Jesus Poster #6 is viciously ravaged by Satan)  
  
Satan: Ha! Who's the bitch now?!  
  
Shinji: HEY! You owe me something!  
  
Satan: Do not!  
  
Shinji: Yes you do! I sold you my soul, now you gotta pay up!  
  
Satan: I don't remember buying anything like that.  
  
Shinji: You lie!  
  
Satan: Please! Do you think the Prince of Darkness and all that is Evil would do such a disreputable thing as LIE?  
  
Shinji: Hmmm, you make a good point. Sorry man.  
  
Satan: Its cool. I'll see you later then?  
  
Shinji: Huh? Whaddya mean by that?!  
  
Satan: Oh...um...nothing.  
  
Asuka: Let's go, Shinji.  
  
Shinji: (begins to walk always, giving Satan the evil eye and pointing) I'm watching you...  
  
(They continue north. Shinji is singing "If I Only Had A Brain", and Asuka is making a noose out of her bandages. They finally come to the mouth of the Canyon of l337)  
  
Asuka: Here it is.  
  
Shinji: Its just a big canyon...a big Canyon of 1337.  
  
Asuka: Y'know... I'm beginning to think you're right about this whole "acid trip" thing.  
  
Shinji: Told you so.  
  
What awaits our heros inside the dangerous Canyon of l337? Who is the mysterious Great Seer? Is this all just a weird acid trip? Will someone help Asuka? Will Shinji quit singing songs from "The Wizard of Oz"? Will The Writer commit ritual seppuku to redeem himself? Will Jesus appear in a form besides poster? Will Buddha win the Sumo Wrestling Championship? Will George "Dubuya" Bush ever finish defacing the Constitution, and our country for that matter? When will the increasing randomness end?  
  
FIND OUT NEXT TIME! 


	3. After the End of Evangelion Part 3

**It's baaaaaaackkkk...**

**After the End of Evangelion Part 3- 2003 minus 1337 equals 666.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Shinji, Asuka, Gendo, Rei, or any other Evangelion characters, Gainix does. No infringement is intended...blah blah blah, insert more legal crap here. Jesus and other religious affliliates are copyright The Beginning of Time.

(Shinji and Asuka stand at the mouth of the Canyon of 1337/l337/l33t/leet. It is a rocky canyon, surrounded by several of the black monoliths. Asuka has a worried look on her face, and Shinji is actually paying attention)

Asuka: We don't know what kind of horrors await us in there...think about it! That bastardization of the English language plaguing us every step of the way...choruses of "A/S/L!1111" and "Cna I c ur pic/ u sux cuz i say so. LOLOLOLOLOL!111111!56!111"!

Shinji: Ooh, the Mating Call of the Lamer. C'mon. It's not so bad! People ask me for "A/S/L" all the time!

Asuka: Somehow I find that hard to believe.

Shinji: I always tell 'em the same thing: I'm a 42 year old housewife from Kentucky.

Asuka: So that's what you do with your free time...My god.

Shinji: (rambling on regardless)...And THEN I say, I've got their warm milk right here, and then it gets messy.

Asuka: Ewwww...

Shinji: Why are we going here anyway? I thought we had to...uh...what did we have to do again? Grave robbing or something like that? I love grave robbing.

Asuka: We're doing this to make you smarter.

Shinji: Why do we need to do THAT?

Asuka: (flustered) Uh...so...so that you're not so dumb...

Shinji: Wow, you're doing all this for lil' ol' me?

Asuka: (blushes) Uh! Um! Yes! I mean, no! I mean...LET'SGOINSIDE! (pulls Shinji inside the canyon)

(They begin walking sneaky like inside the canyon. Y'know, pullin' a Solid Snake.)

Asuka: (thinking to self, blushing all the while) Its true, I AM doing this all for him. Does that mean I'm selfish or doing this for his own good? Do I...do I like him?

(...And then The Writer smiled to himself, knowing he put in motion the romantic part of the story. Then he started clutching his head and screaming something about Writer's Block, and the government trying to kill him.)

Shinji: Why are we walking like this?

Asuka: Shhhh! We don't wanna attract attention!

Shinji: What? You mean like this? (Gets up and screams) LOLZ, U R TEH LOOSIRZ!

Asuka: NO! YOU FOOL!

(Two shadowy figures appear and stand back to back on top of a rock structure in front of them. Its not quite a rock and not quite a structure, but some sort of hideous love-child of the two. Don't ask me why I felt the need to explain that.)

Figure #1: LOL! j00 7h1nk j00 c4n 5n34k 8y u5! (Translation for the l337-challenged ((lucky them)): Hahaha! You think you can sneak by us!)

Figure #2: f00lz!

Asuka: ...Kill me now.

Figure #2: n07 b 4 w3 r4v4g3 j00. (Translation: Not before we ravage you.)

Shinji: j00 8um5, l4y 0ff 45uk4! (Translation: You bums, lay off Asuka!)

Asuka: Shinji, you know l337?

Shinji: Its a long story.

Asuka: What happened?

Shinji: Well, I was the 42 year old housewife online, and some guy asked me to put on this French Maids outfit, and he was speaking so strangely---

Asuka: NEVERMIND!

Figure #1: 50... j00 h4v3 4 5p34k3r...n3v0rm1nd, w3 5h4ll 571ll d157r0y j000000, LOLOLOLOLOL!111 (Translation: So, you have a speaker...nevermind, we shall still destroy you, ahahahahahahah!)

Asuka: Why the hell do you people even exist? WE'RE supposed to be the only two people alive!

Figure #2: Well, its quite simple really...

Figure #1: d00d, n0 3v1l 3ngl15h! (Translation: Dude, no evil english!)

Figure #2: Dad, I don't LIKE only talking in l337! All my friends think I'm weird! All the girls laugh at me! Why can't I be normal like the other kids?

Figure #1: n0000! w3 mu57 c0n71nu3 73h ph4m1ly 7r4d1710n! (Translation: No! We must continue the family tradition!)

Figure #2: Its ALL about what YOU want, isn't it, dad! Never me! Now I see why mom left you! (Figure #2 stomps off)

Figure #1: d4mm17! 1 c4n'7 d33l w17h j00 n0w, D4nny! g0 2 y0ur r00m! (Translation: Dammit! I can't deal with you now, Danny! Go to your room!)

Shinji: Uhhhh, 4r3 w3 1n73rrup71ng 50m37h1ng? (Translation: Uhhh, are we interrupting something?)

Figure #1: 5hu7 17, j00. n0w 1 w1ll k1llz j00 w17h 73h l337 c4nn0n! (Translation: Shut it, you. Now I will kill you with the l337 cannon!) (Pulls out a pea shooter) LOLOLOLZ! u 4r3 73h d00m3d! (Translation: Hahahah, you are doomed!)

Asuka: This can't possibly get any wierder.

(A group of lamers approaches from the east)

Group of Lamers: A/S/L!11111111111!59!

Figure #1: 0h, n0! 73h 74mZ0rZ! 5cr3w 7h15, 1m 0u774 h3r3! (Translation: Oh no, the lamers! Screw this, I'm outta here!) (He takes a few steps forward, then falls into a bottomless pit.) 4hhhhhhhh, 80770ml355 p17777777777--! (Translation: Ahhh, bottomless pittttttt!)

Asuka: I should have just kept my mouth shut.

Group of Lamers: OMGLOLZ!11! u wna cibrrr!1111/

Shinji: Crap! They're too strong! Ain't no way I can fend them off!

Asuka: Its okay, Shinji. You tried.

(The stampede of Lamers quickly approaches their position)

Shinji: Looks like this is the end.

Asuka: ...Again. (Thinks, then sighs) Ah well, might as well swallow my pride and say it.

Shinji: What are you talking about, Asuka?

Asuka: (blushes) Shinji...I guess...I mean...I...I like yo--

(Gigantic foot lands on lamers, and they explode in a flash of blood, guts, and computer keyboards. But that's okay. It isn't like they were human anyway. Besides, we probably saved a bunch of little girls by doing that.)

Shinji: HOLY HOT PANTS, BATMAN!

Asuka: (gaping at sight, completely dumbstruck)

(Both look up to see who's foot it was. Its the Eva 01.)

Eva 01: Hey Shinji! Bossy red head. What's up?

Shinji: Dude, you can TALK?

Eva 01: Well, I had to haggle with The Writer, but he said if giant chickens can talk, then I can too.

Asuka: ...This I don't believe.

Shinji: Acid trip?

Asuka: I'm taking your point into extreme consideration now.

Shinji: WOO! So, 01...livin' large, eh?

Eva 01: ...

Asuka: ...

Shinji: No pun intended, I swear!

Eva 01: Well...me and the other Evas were over there playing cards. Y'know, poker, a little Texas Hold 'Em, gin rummy, spit, all that good stuff. Then we heard you guys were around, so we decided to visit.

(Eva 02 and 00 wave, Asuka gives an uneasy smile and waves back. Shinji sticks his tongue out at them. Eva 02 gives Shinji the bird.)

Shinji: HEY! Asuka! 02 flipped me off!

Asuka: (gives the thumbs up sign to 02, who returns it) Huh? Oh, what? It did? Uh...um...b-bad 02...yeah...(mouths out "Good work" to 02)

Shinji: Hey...were is 03?

Eva 01: Oh, the American? Pfft, we don't give a damn about no freaking AMERICAN. Us Japanese Evas are better than that defect. Isn't that right 00? (00 nods)

Shinji: (Shinji looks over to see 03 trying to hang itself) Uh...why?

Eva 01: Well...uh...erm...we're better made...and more cost effective... and we don't have defects in us...like Angels...OH! And we're not American, so that automatically makes us awesome! Oh, and I guess 02 is alright for a German. (02 looks at 01 angrily). Anyway we better be going! We've got some training to do if we wanna beat the Jesus Posters in Blackjack.

Shinji: Uhhh...Alright, I'll see ya man. (Eva 01 and Shinji perform the Uber-Ghetto Handshake!)

(The words "Uber-Ghetto Handshake!" flash at a frenetic, seizure-riffic pace on the screen, and "Its Tricky" by Run DMC plays)

Eva 01: Peace. (Eva 01 runs off, shaking the landscape as he runs)

Shinji: I love that guy. He's got some racial issues he needs to work out though. I mean some of my best friends are American...like that duck I smuggled home from New York...Mr. Quackers kicked some serious ass...until I got stranded on that desert island and I had to eat him to survive...

Asuka: This is getting too weird for my taste. I mean, we were supposed to be the only two people alive, and then all this random stuff happened. Either someone messed up this "Rebirth of the World" thing, or we must be on some heavy stuff.

Shinji: (Shinji is slamming his head into a nearby wall, paying no attention to Asuka) C'mon--uhh---Asuka--oof---this is---geh---fun! (Shinji begins to bleed from his skull)

Asuka: Just when I thought you were getting smarter...Let's go!

Shinji: (affected by blood loss) Wha...whatevah...yooz says, Larry...

(And so they continued onwards on their journey North, and as they continued, Shinji's head wounds mysteriously disappeared, they exited the Canyon of l337, and somewhere all the way back in the Valley of Food, another giant fowl was crushed by a falling household appliance. Most likely a fridge.)

(Oh yeah...And then the two came across the mythical Gauntlet of Vibrating Beds)

Asuka: Heyyy...WE'RE RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED!

Shinji: Oooh, that hurts, don't it?

(The Beds begin chanting the word "Sex" again)

Asuka: SHUT UP! I know that's what we have to do!

(The Beds stop for a second, and much whispering can be heard. They then start repeating the words "Shut up")

Shinji: I don't know why this was made to seem so deadly...(Shinji begins walking across beds)

(Beds start firing their beautiful Serta spring loaded mattresses at Shinji)

Asuka: (flinches and looks away as Shinji is mangled by mattresses) Ooooh, that's gotta hurt.

Shinji: Asuka! Help! They're shooting quarters and Viagra at me! (Looks around, begins confiscating Viagra and quarters)

Asuka: Hold on, Shinji! (Thinks) Uhh, what to do, what to do...(sees power strip with several plugs in it) Oh jeez... (Asuka unplugs the power strip, beds stop)

Shinji: ALRIGHT! How'd you do it? Did you pull a blitzkreig? Did you summon Hitler from the dead to help you, your Germanness?

Asuka: (holds up power strip)

Shinji: Oh...well...uhh...HEY, I GOT SOME VIAGRA!

Asuka: WHAT!

Shinji: I...I mean...quarters...y-yeah...I don't have erectile dysfunction...

The duo has made it through the deadly Canyon of l337, only to end up where they began! Is this a cruel joke, or...well actually we're pretty sure its a cruel joke!

Shinji: Well, on the bright side, there's the Great Seer's. (points to a small hut with huge neon arrows pointing to it. An equally large sign that says "Great Seer Here!" is on top of the hut)

Asuka: This is just mind boggling.

Writer: (desperately trying to cover plot holes with D&D/Everquest/Anime nerds. Looks at camera) What? (pauses) I'm working out! (silence) WELL, I'd like to see YOU move 300 pounds!

Shinji: Doesn't matter. I'm up for some gambling!

What wisdom will the Great Seer impart on Shinji? Will Asuka win big at the roulette? (Asuka: ITS NOT A CASINO!) Will the Jesus Posters be able to beat the Evas at cards with their dwindling numbers? Will Danny EVER fit in?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

...if there is a next time.

Oh, and for posterity's sake...

Jesus Poster #7: The meaning of life is---(Jesus Poster is sucked into a plot hole)

(The Writer dedicates this chapter to his die-hard fans. You know who you are, and you all ROCK!)


End file.
